It was a slow night in the pub, just a young couple and I at the counter. The guy was nicely oiled by this stage and his long-suffering other half, definitely better half in this case, was watching the minutes tick by on the the old wall wagger clock behind the counter, wishing she could fast forward it to closing time. Tick tock, it was as if it was slowing down with each swing of the pendulum.
We talked about all manner of things, the weather, cars, the weather, drink and then, out of nowhere……” I have lots of great ideas you know!”
I could not have guessed the way the conversation was about to flip. He told me that he often gets brainwaves, ingenious ideas that just jump at him. “Where do the ideas come from do you think?” – a fair question I thought? “From God” he replied. OK.
I must have looked like I was in disbelief as he then decided to share some of the “not so good ones” with me. He was right, and also a master of understatement.
“What about the good ones?” I just had to ask, I mean, you just don’t know right? This guy could be on the cusp of something amazing!
“I’ve a cure for the AIDS, God told me how to do it”.
AIDS! A cure? Holy shite, this could be the big one! “You could be about to change the course of medical history you know! If you could cure AIDS, that would be beyond amazing and you would be remembered forever”. “I’d be rich too ya know! I’d make thousands from it”. This was when the wife chimed in. “Don’t be stupid, you could make millions! Billions maybe!”. I agreed. Billions would come easily. “I don’t want da money, I just be doin’ it for the peoples and to help Holy God. You can make the billions Liam(thats not my name, but he kept calling me that). All I want is a few thousand and you can have the rest. I don’t want to be famous. You can make the billions and you can be famous”.
Now when faced with the knowledge that might just make me the most powerful man on the island…. who am I kidding, one of the most powerful in the universe, its hard to not want more info?!
“Tell me the idea, the cure. If it works, you have a deal”. The wife making circular, loopy hand movements at her temple, didn’t bode well for the forthcoming medical breakthrough. “Its simple Liam. You cut open the mans arm. Take out the pipes. Cut open the pipes and scrub them, with Dettol. Then you put the pipes back in and the man is cured”
HOLY FUCK! The guy is a genius!
“But what about the other blood vessels in the body?”. “Its the same for them, scrub them” “The tiny blood vessels in the brain?”. “Same craic Liam, take out the brain and scrub it. But you have, you HAVE to scrub it all. Don’t miss any bits. The Dettol will kill all the bad stuff and the AIDS as well. Then dry it with a towel and put it back into the mans head”.
So, after taking all this in, I was understandably in awe. Could this be the best poker player in the country, with a face that looks deadly serious when telling me all this? Could he be the next greatest thing in the comedy world? Maybe the guy is on some fantastically powerful medication? Or, maybe, I’m a total tool and he is on a direct line to the man above and has been given some amazing ideas, this being the best. You decide.
As they walked out the door, his wife turned back to me and apologised for his “shite talk”. Apparently he “thinks God tells him the ideas”.
God is obviously a funny guy!