Pure Mean

Everyone knows somebody who has a limpet like grip of their purse/wallet. Ok, some would argue that its ok to be careful with your finances, but I talking about scabbiness.

There are numerous ways of describing these people – like a ducks arse. Like a camels arse in a sandstorm. If you put a piece of coal up their arse, you’d get a diamond. Actually, its weird that the first three that came to mind all have arse in it….. sorry. I’ll fix that – He’d peel an orange in his pocket. He wouldn’t give ya the heat of his piss. Done.

Over the years, mostly in the pub, I have met more than a few of these people. Let me give you some prime examples of “pure meanness”.

I once received a phonecall from a pub owner while I was on holiday. We chatted and I could tell she was being distracted by something, or someone in the background. She apologised and put the phone down for a minute. What followed was as much pure cheek as being scabby. She had noticed the sole customer in the pub, walk out to the toilet, while trying to carry something. It rattled, like coins. Suspicion got the better of her and she followed him to the toilet. He locked himself in a cubicle and she could hear furious rattling and the jingle jangle of coins bouncing on the tiles inside. She quietly asked him if he was ok? to which he replied “can I have some money bags?”.

So, she rightly decided to check the bar again and noticed a charity collection box, or “poor box” as they are often called, had gone missing. She returned to the toilet. He still wanted the money bags but she told him to leave everything and get out or she would call the Gardai (Police). The door opened and he timidly walked past and out the back door of the pub. Stealing is never ok, but to steal from a charity… unacceptable, just downright low and mean. Maybe he was really stuck for cash? Nope, he had plenty and a job too. This kind of guy would rightly be referred to as a “proper bollix”.

Next story is about a ski trip. A certain person was enjoying a trip with his wife, in some European ski destination. They had rented the gear and paid deposits, no surprise there. As they made their way up the mountain on the lift, the man in question dropped his skis. Now at about 40ft above the ground, most people would be thinking wow, that’s one hell of a drop. This guy was different. The thought of possibly loosing out his deposit was too great, so he jumped… 40ft. The snow was relatively soft thankfully, so he sank almost fully into it. The good news is the skis were in fact rescued! As was his deposit.

There are places people often refer to as being home to scabby people, one being Scotland, another being Cavan, a county in Ireland. I know plenty people from both places, and the Scots are like generous saints in comparison. Really.

One Cavan man I know likes to go to every funeral around. Not because he wants to show his sympathies for the family of the deceased, but because there is almost always free food and drink. He is the guy who asks for a packet of fags(cigarettes, relax) and says ” I’ll pay when its my round “. When his round comes, he is either gone home(ski man also regularly pulls this stunt) or insists that he didn’t actually get those fags at all. It would be annoying if this happened once, this guy does this ALL the time. He’d take the sugar out of your tea.

I once read about a woman who wouldn’t turn on the heating in her house. She wouldn’t boil water for porridge, so always ate it cold. Her son injured his foot/toe and she didn’t want to pay a doctor, so it was let be. Time passed and eventually the guy lost his leg to gangrene. She was a multi-millionaire by the way.

I knew a guy who would spend ages carefully steaming the stamps on mail he received, so they could be reused. The same guy also had a magpie like fixation on stuff. Anything that could be easily taken actually, bonus if it was shiny. It didn’t matter if he had a use for it or not. The kind of guy who would shorten his name to save on ink.

I’ve seen numerous people at work carefully place pieces of meat on their plate in the company canteen, then cover it with veg. They should be involved in gardening such are their skills. I have also seen people pick a different plate to put food on, thinking it to be lighter than others, with the intention of saving money once it gets weighed at the til. If they put as much mental effort into their actual job, the company would be doing even better. So mean they wouldn’t spend Christmas.

How about a guy who, on Valentine’s Day, brought his girlfriend to the local graveyard. He brought her to his family grave and said ” this is where you’ll be buried”. Good gift, and free too. An eternal gift possibly? Ultimate scab?

I know a few guys who have/had impressive collections of cars. Rather than sell the car to someone who would restore it/care for it properly, they insist on keeping them in a field, letting the weather take its toll and mother earth slowly pull them back in. As a devoted petrolhead, this really gets to me. One such guy openly stated that he’d “hate to see someone make money on one of his cars”. Scab.

Do you know anyone who is “pure mean”? If so, tell us in the comments.

Merry Christmas!

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